Two and a half years after my husband and I started trying to make a baby and after three miscarriages, we conceived our son Michael. My period was not due for another two days and I could just feel something. I had been pregnant three times now and I know what I feel like when I have a beautiful new life growing inside me. I knew that I was pregnant so I waited and sure enough my period did not come. Two days after I was supposed to start, I take a test -negative. On the third day another test - negative. Then again on day five and day seven - negative, negative. Finally on day ten a very very faint line. I KNEW IT!! But, this was just like last time. In my last pregnancy the first few tests came up negative and then I finally got a faint line more than a week after my missed period. I lost that baby at 8 weeks. I thought "I am going to loose this baby too. I just know it." I cried over the loss of this new baby for the next week even though everything was seemingly fine. I just pretended that I wasn't pregnant because I did not trust that I would carry this baby to term. At one point, I realized that I hadn't miscarried and that this baby has made it longer than my lost baby did so maybe it will live afterall. OK, now it is time to pray - please let this one live. Oh yeah - and it's time to make an OB appointment. I was still really scared until 12 weeks 6 days LMP - our ultrasound that showed a vibrant body with a beating heart - I cried. I learned everything I could about pregnancy and how to take care of myself. I was obsessed about educating myself. I made it my sole mission to be healthier than I had ever been in my life. I did everything I could to make sure this baby would be healthy and born at term. Around 28 weeks pregnant I began to think about delivery - I knew it was going to happen. At this point I did not have any knowledge about birth or any opinions about it - I guess it was foolish to wait so long to start thinking about it. I found out about the risks of epidurals and narcotics used for pain relief and decided I would do what it takes to have a natural birth. That is what lead me to the Bradley Method. There were no classes in my area and it was too late for me (30 weeks now) to take the 12 week class. I bought the book though and my husband and I both read it. I watched that show "Birth Day" on the Discovery Health Channel four times a day and got to see how dangerous all of the interventions were. I learned about meditation and prepared audio CDs with guided visualization for my labor day. I practiced breathing techniques and practiced labor coping positions and movements that I would read about or see someone doing on TV. I was going to be so prepared. My husband was ready too. We both had figured out that OBs (and especially ours) were into managing labor and that many times it caused negative birthing experiences. We knew the dangers and were prepared to fight the system. We make a great team and we actually thought we could beat the system. My OB was an older guy - old enough to have delivered me. When I was 36 weeks pregnant I started finding out from the nursing staff that he was very very old fashioned. He would only deliver a baby with the mom in stirrups. I was even told that he would get up and walk out if the mom was using foul language during labor. I had thought many times that it would have been so much better if I had known about birth before I chose a provider. I would have chosen to labor at home with a midwife. I had a very healthy pregnancy and there was no reason for me to be in a hospital with an old fashioned micro managing OB. Of course, I thought it was too late to change things. I know better now. I had also considered switching to one of the younger and less strict doctors in that same practice, but I did not want to hurt my OBs feelings. At 38 weeks into my first full-term pregnancy I did not expect to go into labor for two or three weeks, but right as I went to bed on a Sunday night my water broke. It was a big gush about five minutes after settling in bed. I called the maternity ward and they said to come in immediately claiming that the baby could be in danger if the cord was clamped between his head and my pelvis. My husband and I were so excited. I think we ran circles in our home for thirty minutes before we could calm down enough to get the hospital bag. We were having our baby! We got to the hospital around midnight (took us over an hour to get there). I was checked in and put on the monitor for 20 minutes. They did a VE and I was dilated to 1 cm, was at -1 station and cervix was firm long and posterior. They asked if I had any requests and I said I wanted no intervention unless the baby is in danger. The nurse agreed to this and I thought that was the way it would happen. The nurse then told me to sleep since I was not feeling any contractions and I would need my energy to deliver my baby. I tried to sleep, but was too excited to get any rest.

At 6:00 AM the nurse came in and did another VE - This time I was at 1 cm, soft and long (still -1 station). She wanted to hook up an IV to give fluids and Pitocin I flat out refused. She told me that I needed fluids since my water had broke I would get dehydrated and not be able to birth my baby effectively. Then said I needed Pitocin because I did not have a regular contraction pattern was making no progress and the baby had to be born within 24 hours of my water breaking. I accepted the fluids and refused the Pitocin Then with IV stand in hand I went with my husband and parents to the cafeteria. I was a good patient and did not eat as I was told, but I did walk circles in the cafeteria while my family ate. I was hoping to get my labor started naturally before they really started to push the drugs on me. I went back to my room and showered. When I got out the head nurse came in and hooked me up to the monitors for another "20 minute strip" and insisted that I needed Pitocin I told her it had not even been twelve hours since my water broke and I would not be taking Pitocin Around 9:00 AM my OB came in for the sole purpose of convincing me to accept the Pitocin He told me that no one knows why labor begins and that it is obvious that I am scared of the process and that was what was keeping me from going into labor, which was not true, I was so prepared for this and actually looking forward to it. He said that he could see the fear in my eyes and that I needed to allow my labor to start. I couldn't believe that he was blaming me for my labor not starting - it hadn't even been twelve hours yet and I wasn't scared of the process I was scared of the interventions. He then reminded me that the baby had to be born by 11:00 PM or so and that Pitocin was needed. He threatened that a cesarean would be likely which scared me terribly. So, against my better judgment I accepted the Pitocin drip. They upped the dosage every twenty minutes until it was at the maximum level. They made me stay in bed so they could monitor the baby and my contractions. I know now that My body was no where near ready for Pitocin and the doctor had to know that, every OB knows this stuff. There is a evaluation of conditions of the cervix and position of the baby that is done to determine a woman's Bishop score. My Bishop score was a three or four at best. The minimum for a Pitocin induction to be effective is eight. There was no way this was going to work, but it did put me in a lot of pain and forced my unborn child to suffer frequent, forceful, but unproductive contractions.

Every chance I had I complained and begged to be allowed to walk around or at least stand up in my room where I could do all of those pain relieving activities that I had been practicing. 1:00 PM another VE - still -1 station, but at 3cm and in a whole lot of pain. Contractions were every two to three minutes lasting 50 to 60 seconds. Sometime that afternoon they let me take a shower then let me walk for twenty minutes since the Pitocin was giving me big contractions, but I was not dilating. When I was walking my contractions became more regular, they lasted longer and were more forceful. I tried to convince the staff that I needed to continue walking because it was working. They just treated me like I did not know what I was talking about threatened me with cesarean and sent back to my room. At 5:00 PM yet another VE. Actually I got two. First by a trainee nurse then by the real nurse who was checking to see if the trainee was right. Nonetheless, I was still at 3 cm, but now between -1 and 0 station. Sometime on Monday I did get a dose of Nubain because I was having very intense contractions and was not allowed out of the bed. I knew it wouldn't make the baby drowsy after birth because I knew it was going to be a very long time before he came out. Around 8:00 PM on Monday the staff had decided that the Pitocin was not working (I was still at 3-4 cm) and I needed to get some sleep. I had been awake for about 40 hours at that point. They gave me Terbutaline to stop my contractions and I got into the Jacuzzi for about 45 minutes. When I got out I was "allowed" to eat. Then I went to sleep around 9:30 or 10:00. I woke up at 3:00 AM with contractions. They were coming about every ten minutes all on their own and were not too painful. I was able to sleep between contractions which was great.

Tuesday morning around 5:00 AM the nurse came in with a new plan. They were going to try Cytotec this time 1/4 of a pill dissolved in my mouth every two hours. She said this would be much better for me because with Cytotec they do not need to continuously monitor the baby. Instead they would just do a thirty minute strip before each dose so that gave me an hour and a half at a time to do what I wanted to do. My VE determined my cervix had closed up to 1 cm dilated and back down to -1 station soft and long. After the third dose things really kicked in. My contractions were really strong and coming every five to seven minutes lasting about one minute. This day was a whole lot better than the last. I labored standing up, swaying my hips with the contractions. I visited with my family and really did have a good time. I felt like a birthing goddess. I loved the sensations, though they were very painful and intense. By 1:00 PM I was having pretty bad contractions every five minutes or so they came in to do another VE (I feel it was totally unnecessary because I was clearly not at 10 cm and every VE increases my chances for and infection and thus a cesarean). Once again they had two people check me - the trainee and a nurse who actually knew what she was doing. I was at 3 cm, 0 station, soft, medium position and pretty discouraged at this point. They continued giving me Cytotec every couple hours and pretty much left me alone. I got into the Jacuzzi again and that made me feel so refreshed. I had a wonderful attitude the whole time and really did love being in labor, although I was not really in labor, just being induced. I would have a contraction and work through it and when it was over I would put it behind me and chat with my hubby and parents and have a good time. Every contraction hurt A LOT, but at the same time they brought me joy because they were going to bring my precious baby into this world and into my arms. My twenty minute strip was over and the nurse did not come in to disconnect me so I did it myself. By this time I was really tired of being told what to do and when to do it. I had my husband write down when each contraction started and ended and then what I rated the pain level to be. They were 3 to 5 minutes apart and really severe. I found the best way to handle them was to stand in front of the bed partly squatting using the bed for support while I rocked my hips side to side. This worked out for us because my folks were there and we could play cards on the bed and I would just break at each contraction and rock back and forth. Then a new doctor - the doctor on call came and introduced herself. She saw that I had taken myself off of the monitors and I showed her my paper with my contractions and assured her that the baby was doing well - that I have been feeling him move his little legs about. She did not seem to object to this at the time - she just wanted a quick twenty minute strip - Cool! (I thought)

A little while later my contractions were really kicking in I was having very long hard contractions that were back to back. During this it took us almost an hour to complete one round of cards - that is me playing two turns. Then they came in and wanted to monitor me AGAIN. I pleaded with them to let me stand by the bed while they did the monitoring and showed them the note pad that my husband had been tracking my contractions. The nurse supposedly went along with it, but really she went to get the OB on call to convince me to get in bed. By the time the OB got there I had a good strip that was done while I was standing. I showed it to her arguing that it works just as well when I stand by the bed as when I lay in the bed. That you can see the baby's heart rate is fine and that my contractions were every 2 to 3 minutes lasting 90+ seconds. She then told me that I was clearly not in labor because I was having too much fun (Playing cards, etc.). She made this determination without checking my cervix, I had not been checked for six hours. I told her that the staff keeps coming in my room and forcing me to do things that are painful and saying things that upset me and every time it makes my contractions slow down and every time I have to lay in bed my contractions slow down. She told me that once labor starts it does not slow down and it looks like I will need a cesarean. And again said I was not in labor because if I were I would be asking for pain medication. She said she would need a one hour strip on me with me in the bed. Then she walked out of the room.

So I got in the bed and had a nervous break down I was screaming at the top of my lungs and crying hysterically. I just knew that these people were out to get me. I wanted to go home or to another hospital. My hubby, being the knight in shining armor that he is, went out to the nurses station and told the OB that she was the one who upset his wife and she needed to go fix it explaining that we did not want any intervention and that it has been forced on us for two days along with numerous threats of cesarean. She came back to my room and saw how upset I looked with my red wet face and said, "You look much better now. This is what a laboring woman looks like." Of course I had not had a contraction for almost ten minutes and I looked like that because I was emotionally falling apart not because I was in physical pain. I did convince her to let me sit in the rocker, but I was not allowed to stand because that would supposedly make the monitor not catch my contractions accurately. She left and I discussed with my hubby and folks that I wanted to get up and walk out of that place. The nearest hospital was over two hours away and we were to scared to go home and do this by ourselves. We felt like it was too late to leave. So far, this whole time the FHR was normal my temperature was normal and my amniotic fluid was being replenished at the rate that it was diminishing. Me and the baby were fine and not in any danger. I had commented that they did not know what my cervix was doing because it had been seven hours since I had a VE. Oops, now they are putting their fingers inside me again, but this time it hurts a lot - probably because they were fingers that were angry at the uncooperative patient. I kept yelling, "Ow! That hurts!" She would say "What, this? I don't know what that is." According to the nurse I was still at 2-3 cm but baby had descended to +1 station.

I did not know at the time, but found out from my med records that I experienced Uterine Hyper-stimulation by the Cytotec so they "discontinued use" around 4pm. The funny thing is that I was on the monitor for the whole time that my uterus was being hyper-stimulated and it still took them and hour to notice, if my son had not been so strong he could have died or suffered severe brain damage and they would not have known until it was too late. I was having contractions that were lasting up to five minutes with only 20 - 30 seconds of break in between. I did not know that this was not normal, I just assumed that things were working and I was in transition at the time.

The nurse that I had at that time was a snooty b*tch. She would glare at me while in my room and was just really rude, especially since I had been in labor for a couple days. She did not like me because I was uncooperative. They allowed me to sit in the rocker so I had my hubby put it by the bed so I could stand up, lean on the bed and rock until I heard them coming then I would sit while they were in the room. When they left I would stand again. This nurse was really upsetting me and she was coming in my room every ten to fifteen minutes to examine the paper coming from the monitor. Finally my hubby went out to the nurses station and told her not to come back into my room because we did not need that kind of negative energy while we are trying to get through labor.

So then the most wonderful person in the world stepped in. Her name is Jannelle, she is a nurse with aspirations of becoming a midwife, and I know she will be a great one. Contractions are harder to deal with when you are emotionally upset so by this time I was wanting to be given Nubain through my IV. She talked me through it saying that I was strong and my body was made to do this I did not need the drugs because I could do this - I had been doing it for two days. She completely took me off of the monitors saying she could not understand why I needed to be on them and intermittent checking of the FHR would be fine. She talked me through the next few contractions and my labor really took off. My contractions were back to back, lasting 90 to 120 seconds with 30 seconds or less between them. They were really hard to get through. I had been off of the Cytotec for hours now so this was really my own body doing this. It hurt like the Dickens, but at the same time I was overjoyed at the pain - weird. Jannelle stayed right there helping me try different positions and activities to ease the pain a little. Then I started having the urge to push . It wasn't a very strong urge but it was there. So she did a VE (10:00 PM) and said I was at 8 cm +2 station. We all started celebrating I was so happy I started to cry and laugh at the same time. The contractions were really severe, but I was so elated that the hardly fazed me at all. They brought the baby warmer and the OB delivery tools and all my fears were gone - I was going to have a vaginal deliver and moreover, I would get to meet my son soon.

Then my OB came in and did another VE to confirm his necessity in the room I suppose and said that I was only at 7cm dilated. Jannelle had to leave because she had already stayed over her shift and the hospital does not allow overtime.

I have no idea where the time went I was just getting through contractions and all of a sudden it was 1:00 AM. Anyway OB came back for another VE and said that there had been no change, the baby was posterior and I had a small pelvis (it is pretty upsetting that my baby wasn't diagnosed Posterior until 50 hours after my water broke even though I had all the symptoms of a posterior baby). He then did a VE while I was having a contraction and had me push at the same time - I have no idea why he did this - I could feel him pushing on my cervix and that hurt a lot, but my pushing made the contractions feel a lot better. I found out later that that I had an anterior cervical lip and he was trying to push it over the baby's head. He looked very very worried and said that we had about 90% chance that we would have to do a cesarean and that he would give it one more hour to have this baby. Just his demeanor lead me to believe that my baby was in danger. I asked the new nurse to help me do some exercises to get the baby to turn and so for the next hour I did the hoola dance - that was all she knew. It was really difficult because I had to concentrate really hard on not pushing and that was wearing me out and making it tough for me to hoola between contractions. An hour passed and the doctor came in and said that we would be doing a cesarean - he did not do another VE he just assumed that the baby was stuck since - it hadn't come out in the last hour. By this time I could no longer stop my self from pushing at all and I could feel the baby descending so I am suspicious of the doc's diagnosis of no progress since his prior diagnoses of 7cm dilated. As it turns out my medical records say I was at 9 cm with a lip and hour before I was brought to the OR so that really confirms that I was complete and ready to push and things would have been fine if I had been allowed to do what my body told me to do. I remember panting with all my might trying not to push and it hurt really bad to resist the pushing and towards the end I was not able to keep it from happening.

I wish I had educated myself on posterior positioning before hand. I would have known that 90% of baby's turn on their own during delivery and they can still be delivered vaginally even if they don't turn. It just takes longer and is more painful, which to me is more favorable then major abdominal surgery. I also would have known that he could have used a vacuum extractor or special forceps to turn the baby and deliver the baby if need be, I am not sure that I would have chosen that over a c-section, but it would have been nice if I had been aware of my options. The baby was not in distress and I wasn't showing any signs of infection. The thing is that it was getting late and the Doc wanted to go home. It was the day before Thanksgiving and he was going to announce his daughter's engagement at the big dinner. I was too far along for him to leave and he did not want to wait for me to slowly deliver my posterior baby. So off to surgery I went. I was given Terbutaline again to stop my labor. Then I walked to the gurney that they were to do the surgery on which seemed to impress all of the OR people. I got a spinal tap which worked very well. My arms were strapped down and a sheet was placed in front of me. They did not allow cameras in the OR (a story of a husband who accidentally dropped the camera on moms torso). When my husband arrived, he looked so scared. I assured him that the shaking was normal after getting a spinal and not to worry - everything was OK. I asked if they had started yet and they said the head was already out. Soon after they lifted his head over the curtain to show him to me and then whisked him away. A few minutes later they put my bundled baby next to my head and unstrapped one of my arms so I could touch him. That is really all I remember about meeting my son.

Then all of a sudden everyone but the anesthesiologist was gone and I was throwing up the apple juice they had let me have earlier that day as the anesthesiologist scoffed that that is why you are not supposed to eat in labor. I was wheeled to recovery and told that I could go back to my room and see my baby when I could move my legs. I remember swallowing my vomit so they wouldn't know I was sick and then keep me there longer. I just focused on my legs and getting them to move. Eventually my husband came in and showed me two Polaroids of my baby. I remember being so sad that my mom got to hold my son before I did. I remember telling him to go and be with our son because he needed him more than I did and secretly hoping he would refuse and stay with me because I was really needing him. I don't remember leaving the recovery room or meeting my son. I have a very vivid memory of being wheeled through the double door entry to the maternity ward and the anticipation of meeting my baby and that is it until the next day. I know I breast fed him, but I don't remember that either. No one bothered to even take a decent picture with the two of us together. I have a dozen pictures of my hubby and son together, but only one of me and the baby while I am trying to latch him on - you can't see the baby in the picture and my face and body is all contorted trying to get this little guy to open up. The next picture of me with my son he is one day shy of three weeks old when I demanded that someone care enough to take some pictures of us together. The next couple days in the hospital are so foggy in my memory - probably because of the morphine drip. I do know I was miserable and just wanted to get out of there.

When I got home and for the first month of my son's life I felt so unattached to him. I was like I loved him more when he was still inside me. I also had a really hard time with breast feeding because of my incision. I felt so guilty, sad and angry. Now things are much better, I have really bonded with him and couldn't imagine my life with out him. He puts everything in perspective and I love him so much. I still feel sad and angry about the cesarean because I know in my heart I could have delivered him vaginally and had him laid on my belly while I examined him and stimulated him to take his first breath. Some people who claim to love me say that I should not dwell on it - that it happened and I should just get over it - at least I have a healthy baby. That is just ludicrous - I don't care what anyone says - I feel robbed and I have the right to feel that way. I love my baby and I am grateful to have him, but I still matter. My body matters, my health matters, my emotional stability matters. I would have had a healthy baby without all of the abuse I endured if I had just stayed home. I was starting to think there was no one who could understand how I felt and actually started to feel guilty for being upset about my birthing experience. I found a wonderful supportive group of women who have been through the same thing and they all do understand. The ICAN list has been such a blessing to me. The women there have helped me heal emotionally and have helped educate me on how to do things differently next time. I am now planning an UBAC for our next little pearl that is due in late spring 2004.